By Marc Holt

Foreign drivers in Thailand often complain about their treatment at the hands of the traffic police. I can’t honestly say I have ever had any real problems with them. The first thing I noticed when I was pulled over by a Thai traffic cop was how polite he was. Every cop since then, even if he can’t speak English, has also been unfailingly polite. Now, in case you ask, I am just an average Joe. I don’t drive a Merc or a Beemer. I have always driven average cars. So, it’s not my appearance that influences the police. It could be my approach to them though.

My first wife had a lot of Chinese in her ancestry, so she didn’t look like your typical farung wife. We drove out the back of the Bank of Ayudhaya on the corner of Wireless and Ploenchit roads one day. The traffic was banked up as usual, so I waited until the lights turned green to cross over Ploenchit road. As usual, the selfish, rude Thai drivers would not let me into the lane allowed to go straight over Ploenchit. Instead, I was forced to stay in the left turn only lane. After I crossed Ploenchit I was pulled over by an older looking sergeant. He spoke almost no English, so the conversation went like this.

“You left turn.”

Now, I knew that if I tried out my brand of Thai on him were going to have all sorts of communication difficulties so I replied in English.

“No, I don’t want to turn left. I want to go straight ahead.”

He looked at me and then reversed tack, “You, no left turn.”

“No, that’s right, I don’t want to go left. I’m going up there.” Said I pointing up Wireless Road.

After a few more tries along those lines the poor cop was getting very frustrated. So, he leaned down and spotted my wife sitting next to me. His eyes lit up and he said, “Ah! Khun Thai!”

My wife gave him her sweetest smile and said in English, “No, I’m Japanese.”

The poor guy gave up. He stepped back, gave us a big salute and a smile, and said, “Pai, pai!” as he waved us away.

Where else in the world would that have happened? I can’t see that happening in Australia where the traffic cops treat you like a convicted pedophile just for straying over a double line.

THE CENTRAL LARD PRAO INTERSECTION

My next run in with the law was with a much higher-ranking cop out at the Central Lard Prao intersection. In those days, it was illegal to drive a pickup on the right lane anywhere. I was driving a Mazda pickup on Phaholyothin Road. As I approached the Lard Prao intersection I got on the right turn lane because I wanted to do a U-turn under Vibhavadi Rangsit expressway. The lights changed green and I started into the intersection.

A traffic cop with a bunch of stars on his shoulder pulled me over. At first he spoke Thai to me, so I did my usual dumb farung thing and pretended I couldn’t speak any Thai at all. He immediately switched to flawless English. Oh oh, I thought to myself. I won’t be getting out of this one. He asked me if I knew that it was illegal to drive a pickup in the right hand lane. I told him yes, I did.

Then he asked me why I was on the right hand lane.

“Well, I want to do a U-turn under Vibhavadi. If I’m in the left hand lane where I’m supposed to be and then I cut across the traffic I may cause an accident. You wouldn’t want that would you?” I replied.

He thought about it a few seconds and then he said, “You are right. Ok, you can go this time, but please don’t do it again, will you?”

After assuring him that I would be a very good boy from then on we drove off, while I marveled at the wonderful Thai police. Once again, I couldn’t imagine that happening anywhere else in the Western world.

Not too long after that the law banning pickups driving in the right lane was repealed. I like to think that my reasoning to that high-ranking cop had something to do with it.

OVER THE DOUBLE LINE

As you drive down the expressway towards Bang-na and go over Sukhumvit road there is a lane on the left for drivers who want to do a U-turn to return to ground level Sukhumvit. At the approach to the railroad crossing the road is marked with double lines. Obviously, drivers are not supposed to cross them.

As I drove down there one day I changed into the left lane just as I passed the U-turn junction. Soon after I was pulled over by a motorbike cop. He was a bit more belligerent that most cops I had come across before. I asked him what the problem was. He said that I had crossed the double line back there. I didn’t think I had, but even if I had it must have been just the last couple of inches.

At first he said we should go to the police station to sort things out. All this was in English. I refused to speak Thai, even though by then I was pretty fluent. I find it is always better to negotiate from a position of strength by making them struggle with my language. He spoke just enough English to make himself understood. I smiled and asked him if I couldn’t make a contribution to the police widows fund instead.

“Yes,” he said, “20,000 baht.”

I thought that was a bit excessive so I told him I would contribute 100 baht instead. He didn’t like that. But he did reduce to 15,000 baht. The game was on. I kept insisting that I would only pay him 100 baht, and he kept reducing his demand by a 1,000 baht at a time. Time dragged on.

During our negotiations he was obviously getting very frustrated, because he was missing out on the chance to chase other miscreants and make even more for those poor widows. I was in no hurry and I wasn’t about to give in and pay this greedy cop any more than the accepted donation. It took us about 20 minutes of bargaining before I finally got him down to 200 baht.

I pulled out my wallet and looked inside. Only 1,000 baht notes there. So I pulled one out and waved it about. He was very nervous when I did that. He didn’t want anyone else to see that we were negotiating.

“I only have 1,000 baht. Do you have any change?” I smiled sweetly up at him in perfect Thai.

He threw up his hands in frustration and told me to get out of there. He wasn’t going to waste any more time on me so I drove off without paying even a token fine.

BEFORE YOU COMPLAIN

I have heard of some foreigners forking over 500 baht, or even more when they get pulled over. You are supposed to negotiate. To accept the first demand is a sign of weakness. Perhaps they couldn’t speak enough Thai. The most you should pay, unless you have been caught for drunk driving, is no more than 200 baht. However, if you do get caught for drunk driving, then you deserve to pay a lot more.

At a meeting with the chief of traffic police recently we discussed the road toll and what he was doing about it. He showed me the statistics to prove that their crackdown on drunk drivers is starting to take effect. Although the number of road deaths was only reduced by about 45 in the last 12 months, the number of fatalities is going down. He also told me that an average of 2 people a day die on the roads in Bangkok alone. He said that he is encouraging his officers to continue cracking down on drunk drivers. So be warned. You face heavy fines and possible jail time if you drink and drive. And if you kill someone while driving drunk you could go to jail for a long time.

So, before you complain about Thai traffic cops in future, think about it. At least you can discuss the problem with them, and very often if you do it right you will drive away scot-free. Just be polite, smile a lot, and remember that a couple of red colored drivers licenses will often get you out of most problems.